Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Doing Better

I don't spend as much time in the darkness anymore. The weather is getting warmer and I love spending time outdoors when the sun is shining. I'm working out more which is sometimes scary because the area where the mesh is connected to my abdominal muscle gets sore, then I worry about it coming apart and I'll have to go back to the hospital for more surgery. That is my worst nightmare right now, that and the cancer coming back.

Speaking of nightmares, I've been having too many. I don't know why and I wish they would go away. Kittens being killed, people being murdered, me being kidnapped, bad things being done to me...ugh.

Work is exhausting but always rewarding. My patients teach me so much about living and dying, and they bless me. I enjoy the people I work with and I'm very lucky I had a job to go back to after being MIA for a year. Whenever I get frustrated I remember that it's better than being stuck at home getting chemo, or throwing up from my latest surgery.

I have been walking my dog, Harley, everyday now. It's the least I can do for him, he took such good care of me during cancer treatments as did my cat Smoke. I use to lie on a mattress on my living room floor, hooked up to my chemo pump and feeling retched and Harley would lie tight against my back and Smoke would lie tight against my front and they would just hold me like that for hours. They knew.

When the weather is nice I like to go running in the woods because no one can see me flounder about; I'm not very good at running and have to walk a lot too, but I love being in the woods, smelling the air and listening to the birds; I'm sure they laugh at me. I get easily distracted though, there is so much to see out there! New plants popping up, a belted kingfisher hollering as he skims over the river, the smell of flowers blooming. Intoxicating! I don't even wear my iPod when I'm out there; I might miss something.

I've also been going the an MMA gym about a block from my house. The owner was nice enough to let me use the equipment whenever I felt up to it when I was sick and not charging me. I finally signed up for jiu-jitsu but I backed out of joining class at the last minute. I think I had been overdoing it and the incision sites were hurting quite a bit and I was terrified something was coming apart (again). So I continue to use the equipment. I gotta take the plunge though; I'm paying now. It's a bit intimidating to go there, it's mostly guys and everyone is so fit and I'm not; I don't think I could keep up with any of them! It's fun looking at all the tattoos though:) I want to get another one soon.

On the Crazy Sexy Cancer site the founder, Kris Carr, is writing her third book and is creating an 'Adventure Cleanse Tune-up' which starts Monday, the 11th. I think it's just what I need so I'm going to participate though it will be hard. I'm vegetarian (again) but I'll be going vegan, eating mostly raw foods. I'll be devoting another blog to that soon. It will be an intense experience! Pray for me:)