Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Trying to move on as a Survivor

I was finally released to go back to work a couple of weeks ago by both my surgeon and oncologist! And none too soon as I have completely exhausted all my finances. I'm so broke I can barely afford to buy food, so healthy eating is having to take a back seat while I build up my checking account again.

Linda, one of my nurse friends and co-worker, gave me a hernia belt to wear which I'm grateful for, because I know I'm still healing from my last surgery. Hell, my abdomen was sliced and diced into three times in less than a year so they will be healing for quite some time, I'm sure. And since I do a lot of lifting, bending, stooping, and walking, I'm fearful of something coming apart again. I would be screwed if that happened.

It's good to be working again. So many people were so happy to see me, and I realized just how worried so many were, and how many were praying for me. But at the end of the day, when I finally get home, I'm so exhausted to the marrow in my bones, all I can do is collapse on the couch or my bed in a heap and not move. At all. And sometimes I'm asked to go back out to do CTC on a patient. CTC stands for Critical/Crisis Time Care, and is a service offered by the hospice I work for. When a patient is actively dying, we try to keep someone with the patient to make sure they stay as comfortable as possible, and to give emotional support for any family members why might be there, watching their loved ones die. This may sound strange, but I've learned that dying is as sacred as being born. We are born into this life, live awhile, then we are born out of this life. When I am holding the hand of a patient who takes their last breath, my hands start to tingle as their Spirit leaves their body. Humbling, to say the least. It has helped ease my own fear of dying, as I now know for a fact our Spirit does not die, ever.

So life is getting back to normal and things are looking up. So why do I feel so depressed? And scared?And stuck? And alone? It's horrible to feel this way.

I am grateful for being alive and that I had a job to go back to, especially in this economy. I am grateful my daughter is home from Kansas and out of that abusive relationship. I am so grateful so many people were praying for me. But I still feel depressed. And scared. And stuck. And alone. Damn. I've read that feeling this way is very common for cancer people but still, it sucks.

I dare not speak of these feelings to anyone anymore. All I hear is 'don't go there, don't think that, stay positive, be grateful your alive,' and on and on. Thanks, now not only do I feel guilty for feeling my feelings, but I feel worse. Don't they realize if I could change how I'm feeling, I wouldn't be feeling this way? Do they think I'm just looking for pity? I'm not.

So I put on my happy face and pretend I'm feeling as great on the inside as I look on the outside. But everyday I cry a little. Everyday.

Will heartburn ever be just heartburn again? Why am I feeling bloated? My nails seem a little soft, am I losing blood again? Am I exhausted all the time because I'm still recovering from all the cancer treatments, or is it something more? When will my cells go haywire on me again? Have they started to already? This cancer was so advanced; I was staring stage IV right in it's eyes. It seems that most people with such an advanced stage (and many whose cancer wasn't as advanced) end up having their cancer come back again, and again, until they eventually die from it.

When I'm busy at work, I don't feel these feelings so much. But I can't stay busy 24/7.

So right now I'm stuck. I don't have the energy, or the desire, to reach out to anyone else.