A couple of months ago I had my last hamburger. It was big and juicy and I ate the whole thing, knowing I would be paying for my indulgence the next day. I just didn't know how high the price would be. I didn't know that I would apparently screw up my guts; it looks like something 'slipped' in my innards and I can't get them back where they are suppose to be. I push them back where they are suppose to be and they ooze back out. Creepy. I told my oncologist and he ordered a CT scan to be done October 10th. I drank liquid chalk for breakfast that morning and did not enjoy it. I didn't enjoy the needle either, but that wasn't too bad. I'm pretty fed up with needles. The needle that goes in my port looks like a nail instead of a needle.
I never received a phone call to say anything was wrong so I wasn't worried. I believe my onc was on vacation when the results came back in. He seems to take a lot of time off.
So I called about 2.5 weeks later to request a paper copy of the results for my records and was told there were 'areas of concern' on my liver and gallbladder and I needed a PET scan done. Not only was I shocked but I was furious. Why the hell didn't I get a phone call two weeks ago telling me this??? So what my onc is on vacation? There are other oncologists who fill in for him, for Christs' sake.
So on October 29th I go to the hospital bright and early in the morning. I'm a little antsy with the needle, of course, and the tech is trying to pin my arm down so he can shoot me up with radioactive stuff (I'm surprised I don't glow in the dark by now, seriously). I finally cooperate and was soon slid through the narrow tunnel. After it was done I asked if I could look at the pictures, knowing that if I saw white areas on my liver I was screwed. The tech guy did one better; he put the pictures on a disk! Great! I work with a lot of nurses, maybe one of them could help me decipher the results. Waiting two days for the oncologist to give me the results seemed like a long time to be sitting on pins and needles. Besides, they seem to be a bit slow to call me with the results of scans.
Sure enough, a tiny white speck showed up on my liver. I try not to panic; when I had my surgery a tiny piece of my liver was cut out for a biopsy that my surgeon was concerned about but thankfully was a false alarm and not cancerous, maybe that's what was showing up.
My oncologist said the same thing. The white speck needed to be watched closely and I would need an MRI in a couple of weeks. Not one to wait around passively, I called my surgeon's office while I was getting napalmed and had the nurse look at my chart and tell me exactly where the biopsy was taken from my liver. It turns out to be exactly where the white speck was. Whew! I'm not so worried anymore, but it still needs to be watched closely, just in case the cancer did manage to invade my liver, which would put me at stage IV. That would really, really, suck. That would put my five year survival at around 8%.
I now understand the agony people here speak of when they talk about scans and having to wait for a definitive answer.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...The Empty Nest
I've had seven out of twelve chemo treatments. But I went for five weeks without due to low platelets on day and insurance issues the next. My FMLA ran out and I'm switching over to COBRA, which will cost me close to $700.00 a month. How can anyone afford that when they are not able to work???
I was doing alright until August 16th. That's the day my 18 year old daughter up and moves to Kansas. To be with a boy she's been talking to since she's been in middle school. How could she leave at a time when I need her the most? Cancer may have knocked me flat on my back, but that made me curl up in the fetal position and pull a bunch of blankets over my head. Cancer and the empty nest do not go well together. But she has to live her own life her way. She was not put on this Earth to please me, she has her own destiny that is seperate from mine. I'm angry and hurt but I'm trying to understand. And now, for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no one to focus on and worry about but myself. What a strange feeling. That's what I've always done; for the first half of my life that's what I thought I had to do. I think that's part of the reason I'm in this health crisis. I totally neglected myself. I stopped paying attention to what was going on with myself and my health.
Thankfully we keep in regular contact with each other and she is planning on visiting the week before Thanksgiving. She has a job and an apartment with roommates. She has her first boyfriend. She makes her own dental and doctor appointments. She's doing pretty good and I'm proud of her. She is even planning on taking some college classes next year. Not bad for someone who barely graduated high school.
But I'm still so hurt I can barely stand it. I begged her to stay at least until I'm finished with chemo, but she grew so resentful and passive aggressive I finally told her to just go.
So another chapter in my life comes to an end and another begins. I'll be done with chemo around the first week in January, which is when this whole nightmare started in 2008.
I had five weeks off chemo and it felt sooo good. Now I'm back on it and I feel like crap. I'm still having a hard time with it mentally. So many people's cancer comes back usually more agressive than the first time. According to statistics I have about a 44%-64% chance of being alive in five years. What's up with that? How can those cancer cells survive being napalmed so much? Every other cell in my body is being obliterated, how can microtumors hang on so? Will I always wonder if I have any more ticking time bombs floating around in my body waiting for an opportunity to take hold somewhere? Will I ever again draw a breath free from cancer-anxiety? How does one move on with their life post-cancer? Right now I just feel so stuck.
I was doing alright until August 16th. That's the day my 18 year old daughter up and moves to Kansas. To be with a boy she's been talking to since she's been in middle school. How could she leave at a time when I need her the most? Cancer may have knocked me flat on my back, but that made me curl up in the fetal position and pull a bunch of blankets over my head. Cancer and the empty nest do not go well together. But she has to live her own life her way. She was not put on this Earth to please me, she has her own destiny that is seperate from mine. I'm angry and hurt but I'm trying to understand. And now, for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no one to focus on and worry about but myself. What a strange feeling. That's what I've always done; for the first half of my life that's what I thought I had to do. I think that's part of the reason I'm in this health crisis. I totally neglected myself. I stopped paying attention to what was going on with myself and my health.
Thankfully we keep in regular contact with each other and she is planning on visiting the week before Thanksgiving. She has a job and an apartment with roommates. She has her first boyfriend. She makes her own dental and doctor appointments. She's doing pretty good and I'm proud of her. She is even planning on taking some college classes next year. Not bad for someone who barely graduated high school.
But I'm still so hurt I can barely stand it. I begged her to stay at least until I'm finished with chemo, but she grew so resentful and passive aggressive I finally told her to just go.
So another chapter in my life comes to an end and another begins. I'll be done with chemo around the first week in January, which is when this whole nightmare started in 2008.
I had five weeks off chemo and it felt sooo good. Now I'm back on it and I feel like crap. I'm still having a hard time with it mentally. So many people's cancer comes back usually more agressive than the first time. According to statistics I have about a 44%-64% chance of being alive in five years. What's up with that? How can those cancer cells survive being napalmed so much? Every other cell in my body is being obliterated, how can microtumors hang on so? Will I always wonder if I have any more ticking time bombs floating around in my body waiting for an opportunity to take hold somewhere? Will I ever again draw a breath free from cancer-anxiety? How does one move on with their life post-cancer? Right now I just feel so stuck.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Various Musings
Well, my second round of chemo on July 29th went much better than the first. Not only did I NOT end up in the hospital, I did not even throw up. Of course I kept myself pretty medicated starting BEFORE the chemo treatment which I will do again for my third course on next Wednesday, August 13th.
I am now taking Marinol, although to be honest I believe I, and all cancer patients, should have legal access to medical Marijuana like in California. It is a ridiculous that it is illegal due to it's many medical and spiritual uses. I (and many others I know) do not even consider Marijuana a drug. To us, a drug is something we have to either go to the doctor or a store for; something we cannot make or grow ourselves. This includes vitamins and supplements.
To isolate a plant compound and synthesize it in a lab destroys the synergy of the entire plant and makes the compound potentially dangerous. All plant compounds work together in syngery for the good of the whole. When humans mess with that syngery, and isolate them from each other, they are inviting trouble. Research backing this is out there, but if one is not looking for it, it can be difficult to come across.
One book I purchased since I started this Journey devotes a whole chapter on supplements. The name of the book is Food to Fight Cancer: Essential foods to help prevent cancer by Richard Beliveau, Ph.D. and Denis Gingras, Ph.D. The chapter is 17, and is called Supplements: Friend or Foe? The chapter starts with an interesting quote by Paracelsus who lived from 1493-1541: "All substances are poisons; there is none which is not a poison. The right dose differentiates a poison from a remedy."
I am definately not saying it is wrong or bad to take vitamins and/or supplements; they have their place in the lives of people and it is an individual choice. I do feel, though, that many people mistakenly think they can pop a supplement or some other type of pill in place of real, whole foods or to make them feel better without doing the hard work of changing behaviors, and I feel this is a huge mistake propagated by corporations who make a living selling them. One cannot get their nutritional needs met through any type of pill. One cannot depend on drugs to fixed all their physical and emotional problems. We have become a nation of pill poppers. Got an ache? Pop a pill. Don't have time to eat healthy? Pop a pill. Don't have time, or don't feel like eating? Pop a pill. Feeling nervous? Pop a pill. Feeling mad? Pop a pill. Feeling bored? Pop a pill. Not only is this mind numbing thinking unhealthy, it is dangerous and only benefits the ones making these pills and convincing the masses they are good, safe, and necessary.
Obviously I could have done more for my own health and well-being. However I don't consider this cancer to be my enemy, something to be hated, feared, and destroyed. To be honest, I communicated with my tumor before I had the surgeon remove it, explaining why it had to go. I felt its fear mixed with my own fear.But I also don't consider cancer my friend. But for whatever reason, it is in my body, created within my body, by my body, and I feel to hate something created in my body is to hate a part of myself that I need to nurture and love to make whole again.
What I do consider cancer to be is my teacher, a rude crude teacher, my body's way of screaming so loud to get my attention because all other attempts to do so failed miserably. I feel I need to love whatever cancer cells are left in my body, (and all cells in my body) to flood them with love and healthy choices and emotions so they will be mollified to stay quite and single celled.I know there are no guarantees, cancer happens to the healthiest of people, sometimes more than once, and it could happen to me again, but this approach feels right for me.
I am now taking Marinol, although to be honest I believe I, and all cancer patients, should have legal access to medical Marijuana like in California. It is a ridiculous that it is illegal due to it's many medical and spiritual uses. I (and many others I know) do not even consider Marijuana a drug. To us, a drug is something we have to either go to the doctor or a store for; something we cannot make or grow ourselves. This includes vitamins and supplements.
To isolate a plant compound and synthesize it in a lab destroys the synergy of the entire plant and makes the compound potentially dangerous. All plant compounds work together in syngery for the good of the whole. When humans mess with that syngery, and isolate them from each other, they are inviting trouble. Research backing this is out there, but if one is not looking for it, it can be difficult to come across.
One book I purchased since I started this Journey devotes a whole chapter on supplements. The name of the book is Food to Fight Cancer: Essential foods to help prevent cancer by Richard Beliveau, Ph.D. and Denis Gingras, Ph.D. The chapter is 17, and is called Supplements: Friend or Foe? The chapter starts with an interesting quote by Paracelsus who lived from 1493-1541: "All substances are poisons; there is none which is not a poison. The right dose differentiates a poison from a remedy."
I am definately not saying it is wrong or bad to take vitamins and/or supplements; they have their place in the lives of people and it is an individual choice. I do feel, though, that many people mistakenly think they can pop a supplement or some other type of pill in place of real, whole foods or to make them feel better without doing the hard work of changing behaviors, and I feel this is a huge mistake propagated by corporations who make a living selling them. One cannot get their nutritional needs met through any type of pill. One cannot depend on drugs to fixed all their physical and emotional problems. We have become a nation of pill poppers. Got an ache? Pop a pill. Don't have time to eat healthy? Pop a pill. Don't have time, or don't feel like eating? Pop a pill. Feeling nervous? Pop a pill. Feeling mad? Pop a pill. Feeling bored? Pop a pill. Not only is this mind numbing thinking unhealthy, it is dangerous and only benefits the ones making these pills and convincing the masses they are good, safe, and necessary.
Obviously I could have done more for my own health and well-being. However I don't consider this cancer to be my enemy, something to be hated, feared, and destroyed. To be honest, I communicated with my tumor before I had the surgeon remove it, explaining why it had to go. I felt its fear mixed with my own fear.But I also don't consider cancer my friend. But for whatever reason, it is in my body, created within my body, by my body, and I feel to hate something created in my body is to hate a part of myself that I need to nurture and love to make whole again.
What I do consider cancer to be is my teacher, a rude crude teacher, my body's way of screaming so loud to get my attention because all other attempts to do so failed miserably. I feel I need to love whatever cancer cells are left in my body, (and all cells in my body) to flood them with love and healthy choices and emotions so they will be mollified to stay quite and single celled.I know there are no guarantees, cancer happens to the healthiest of people, sometimes more than once, and it could happen to me again, but this approach feels right for me.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Accepting Help From Others, Part II
Not only people in 'real-time' have come to my aid, but also people who I have only met on-line, and not in 'real-time,' have been a tremendous support for me.
I am a member of Susun Weed's Wise Woman Forum, a place for people who like working with herbs to gather. I was a moderator for several of the forums b.c (before cancer) since 2003 and even though I resigned from moderator duties, I am still allowed access to the moderators' forum where I am getting so much love and encouragement from the other moderators. If you want to check out this great forum, here's the link: http://www.susunweed.com/wisewomanforum.htm
Many of them have been so very generous, sending me many tinctures and oils and Susun Weed herself (I've been taking a distant learning herbal course from her for a while now) sent me some Poke tincture and a generous supply of Slippery Elm balls (for digestion) and some dried Red Clover herb, a powerful anti-cancer herb. Susun's daughter, Justine, generously sent me an herbal book that I mentioned I wanted to get.
I have also been blessed with the friendship of a powerful intuitive, Danita, with whom I talk on the phone and e-mail on a regular basis. We are both doing energy work on ourselves and we are encouraging each other. She is a most lovely person and the tinctures and oils she has sent me are divine. Check out her websites here:
http://www.sacredsteplifecoaching.com/index.htm
and here:
http://www.sacredstep.com/
My two cyber-pals (who are brother and sister) in Norway. We've been e-mailing each other for over ten years. They have given me tons of encouragement.
I'm sure I'll be blogging about herbs and Nature. They are such a huge part of me. For me, being in Nature is equal to being in church; it is a Spiritual experience and it brings me close to the Divine. Whenever I have an encounter with an intuitive person, they always pick up on that right away. Before I got caught up in the Rat Race of Life, I was quite connected to the Source but sadly I wandered away as I struggled and worried about student loans, house payments and the joys of home ownership, paying the bills, raising my daughter by myself, making enough money, getting involved in a very, very bad relationship, and the endless list we all have to survive. I lost sight of myself and my connection to the Divine. I stopped my herbal studies and spending time in Nature. I became depressed but I would not allow myself to stop; I just kept going and going and going, like the Energizer Bunny, no matter what. I had to be Super Woman minus the lame costume.
Cancer put an end to that illusion, and fast.
I am a member of Susun Weed's Wise Woman Forum, a place for people who like working with herbs to gather. I was a moderator for several of the forums b.c (before cancer) since 2003 and even though I resigned from moderator duties, I am still allowed access to the moderators' forum where I am getting so much love and encouragement from the other moderators. If you want to check out this great forum, here's the link: http://www.susunweed.com/wisewomanforum.htm
Many of them have been so very generous, sending me many tinctures and oils and Susun Weed herself (I've been taking a distant learning herbal course from her for a while now) sent me some Poke tincture and a generous supply of Slippery Elm balls (for digestion) and some dried Red Clover herb, a powerful anti-cancer herb. Susun's daughter, Justine, generously sent me an herbal book that I mentioned I wanted to get.
I have also been blessed with the friendship of a powerful intuitive, Danita, with whom I talk on the phone and e-mail on a regular basis. We are both doing energy work on ourselves and we are encouraging each other. She is a most lovely person and the tinctures and oils she has sent me are divine. Check out her websites here:
http://www.sacredsteplifecoaching.com/index.htm
and here:
http://www.sacredstep.com/
My two cyber-pals (who are brother and sister) in Norway. We've been e-mailing each other for over ten years. They have given me tons of encouragement.
I'm sure I'll be blogging about herbs and Nature. They are such a huge part of me. For me, being in Nature is equal to being in church; it is a Spiritual experience and it brings me close to the Divine. Whenever I have an encounter with an intuitive person, they always pick up on that right away. Before I got caught up in the Rat Race of Life, I was quite connected to the Source but sadly I wandered away as I struggled and worried about student loans, house payments and the joys of home ownership, paying the bills, raising my daughter by myself, making enough money, getting involved in a very, very bad relationship, and the endless list we all have to survive. I lost sight of myself and my connection to the Divine. I stopped my herbal studies and spending time in Nature. I became depressed but I would not allow myself to stop; I just kept going and going and going, like the Energizer Bunny, no matter what. I had to be Super Woman minus the lame costume.
Cancer put an end to that illusion, and fast.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Accepting Help From Others, Part I
I gotta confess I'm horrid at asking for help. I hate it. I feel like I am being an inconvenience. I worry that people don't really want to help. I worry about not being able to repay people and feeling indebted to others. And I just feel so selfish and then I feel guilty. People have their own problems and issues and I just don't want to add my pile of shit to their pile of shit.
I had gotten quite good at 'powering through stuff' without letting it slow me down much. I had cultivated a facade of Super Woman, forging through life, unstoppable. My daughter certainly believed it; I worked hard to convince her of it. Whenever I got home from the hospital to finish recovering from anemia or surgery, I always told her to go over to her friend's house, don't worry about me, I don't need help, go have some fun!
But always a hidden part of me, a part of me that I have managed to stuff down deep inside me, wanted someone to take care of me for a change, with no strings attached. I was so tired of always having to be strong and capable 24/7. In fact I was totally and completely burned out from life.
But I would never admit it. Too much pride. I did not want to appear needy, selfish, and weak.
Cancer is teaching me otherwise. Cancer is just too damn big for me to 'power through.' Cancer hasn't just brought me to my knees; it has laid me out flat. And people have come through for me.
My New York Family:
Eddie, listens to me vent, encourages me, and helps me financially. He's like a guardian angel.
Sisters Elizabeth and Aunt J.M, my cheerleaders, always encouraging me and offering suggestions.
My Friends from Work:
Co-worker LPN Linda picked me up at the crack of dawn twice; once for my upper endoscope and again for my lower. She was the one with me when I was told by my gastro doctor the mass was indeed a cancerous tumor.
Vanessa, Social Worker, who took me to my first surgeon's appointment and stayed with my daughter during that major surgery ordeal.
Joanne, Social Worker, who has given me tons of information and packets, who made numerous phone calls, and who calls me to see how I am doing.
Denni, fellow CNA, who has been my taxi too many times to count, who calls me to check on me, giving me encouragement, going to lunch when I feel up to it, and keeping me in the loop with work. She is one of the aides who had to take over the care of my patients and I know they are getting excellent care.
Edie, Denni's sister and fellow CNA, picked the mail up for me at the post office and brought me some fresh strawberries that she had picked and washed. She knew I wanted to get some and I would not be able to. She even brought over some whip cream.
Joe, Chaplin, who visits me at the hospital and when he can't, he sends his lovely wife. He also calls me to see how I'm doing.Joan who sent me flowers and a card.
Clinical Director RN April, my boss, who saved my life in January when I almost ran completely out of blood; she ordered me to go to the doctor that day. If she didn't do that, I would have been dead before the end of the week. She also drove me to the hospital at the crack of dawn for my colectomy surgery. Her husband drove my daughter to and from driver's ed when I was not able to.
Friends from the 'Hood:
Next door neighbor and friends Connie and her family. Connie has been my taxi and also my cook, and she is a really good cook:) They have been doing my lawn care even before I my diagnosis. Connie's son Nick has come and gotten my truck running again after it broke down in a bank parking lot, and he also put in a new mail box for me. Nick took over lawn care. Nick's wife Nicole has been moral support and getting medicine for me.
Terri, who sent her daughter Caytee over with her credit card to pick up my daughter to take her grocery shopping.
Sister Pat, a former New Orleans street witch, who gave me a beautiful candle blessed with healing majick to help me get through chemo.
My neighbor John, who came over one night (described in a future blog) to take me to the hospital.
My dog Harley and my cat Smoke. I had a fold out couch mattress I put on my living room floor. I would be lying on it and one would be sandwiched against my back and the other sandwiched against my front. They held me tightly that way for hours, not moving a muscle or an inch from me. When I was so sick and running to the toilet, Harley would sit up and watch me anxiously, looking worried. He knew.
And of course my daughter Candace. For arranging taxi services. For being there.
I had gotten quite good at 'powering through stuff' without letting it slow me down much. I had cultivated a facade of Super Woman, forging through life, unstoppable. My daughter certainly believed it; I worked hard to convince her of it. Whenever I got home from the hospital to finish recovering from anemia or surgery, I always told her to go over to her friend's house, don't worry about me, I don't need help, go have some fun!
But always a hidden part of me, a part of me that I have managed to stuff down deep inside me, wanted someone to take care of me for a change, with no strings attached. I was so tired of always having to be strong and capable 24/7. In fact I was totally and completely burned out from life.
But I would never admit it. Too much pride. I did not want to appear needy, selfish, and weak.
Cancer is teaching me otherwise. Cancer is just too damn big for me to 'power through.' Cancer hasn't just brought me to my knees; it has laid me out flat. And people have come through for me.
My New York Family:
Eddie, listens to me vent, encourages me, and helps me financially. He's like a guardian angel.
Sisters Elizabeth and Aunt J.M, my cheerleaders, always encouraging me and offering suggestions.
My Friends from Work:
Co-worker LPN Linda picked me up at the crack of dawn twice; once for my upper endoscope and again for my lower. She was the one with me when I was told by my gastro doctor the mass was indeed a cancerous tumor.
Vanessa, Social Worker, who took me to my first surgeon's appointment and stayed with my daughter during that major surgery ordeal.
Joanne, Social Worker, who has given me tons of information and packets, who made numerous phone calls, and who calls me to see how I am doing.
Denni, fellow CNA, who has been my taxi too many times to count, who calls me to check on me, giving me encouragement, going to lunch when I feel up to it, and keeping me in the loop with work. She is one of the aides who had to take over the care of my patients and I know they are getting excellent care.
Edie, Denni's sister and fellow CNA, picked the mail up for me at the post office and brought me some fresh strawberries that she had picked and washed. She knew I wanted to get some and I would not be able to. She even brought over some whip cream.
Joe, Chaplin, who visits me at the hospital and when he can't, he sends his lovely wife. He also calls me to see how I'm doing.Joan who sent me flowers and a card.
Clinical Director RN April, my boss, who saved my life in January when I almost ran completely out of blood; she ordered me to go to the doctor that day. If she didn't do that, I would have been dead before the end of the week. She also drove me to the hospital at the crack of dawn for my colectomy surgery. Her husband drove my daughter to and from driver's ed when I was not able to.
Friends from the 'Hood:
Next door neighbor and friends Connie and her family. Connie has been my taxi and also my cook, and she is a really good cook:) They have been doing my lawn care even before I my diagnosis. Connie's son Nick has come and gotten my truck running again after it broke down in a bank parking lot, and he also put in a new mail box for me. Nick took over lawn care. Nick's wife Nicole has been moral support and getting medicine for me.
Terri, who sent her daughter Caytee over with her credit card to pick up my daughter to take her grocery shopping.
Sister Pat, a former New Orleans street witch, who gave me a beautiful candle blessed with healing majick to help me get through chemo.
My neighbor John, who came over one night (described in a future blog) to take me to the hospital.
My dog Harley and my cat Smoke. I had a fold out couch mattress I put on my living room floor. I would be lying on it and one would be sandwiched against my back and the other sandwiched against my front. They held me tightly that way for hours, not moving a muscle or an inch from me. When I was so sick and running to the toilet, Harley would sit up and watch me anxiously, looking worried. He knew.
And of course my daughter Candace. For arranging taxi services. For being there.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Dancing With Chemo
Not even a week has passed since my port was installed (ha, makes me sound like a car or something getting worked on!) and I'm sitting in the clinic for my first round of chemo. By now I am so tired and fed up with being jabbed with needles and i.v's and fingers up my butt that all I want to do is just get up and walk away from it all and not look back. But I also realize that I cannot just up and walk away from cancer and pretend that it still isn't lurking in my body somewhere, waiting for an opportunity to take hold of an organ and grow again. Damn.
So here I sit in the lab trying to draw on the remaining courage I have (which is damn little) and let the nurse stick yet another needle in me, this time in my port. Needle was a poor description for this thing. This thing was the size of a fucking nail. I was nervously looking around for the hammer.
With me is a nurse and another nice young lady, whose job title I didn't know, but was trying so hard to comfort me, and all I could do was sit there and try not to cry or pass out. Additional reinforcements were obviously needed so another nurse is called in. Finally I allow nurse #1 to stick me with the needle.
"SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!" I have gotten in the bad habit of hollering that lovely phrase whenever I am stuck with a needle. Bad habit I know. I manage to stay upright until I see a vial full of my blood. Then my head lolls back, my eyes roll up, my face goes white, and nurse #3 yells for a vial of smelling salts. All eyes are watering from the salts except for mine. I couldn't smell them. Must be my hay fever. I didn't feel congested but my sense of smell was obviously impaired.
Finally I am told to find a chair or I could pick one of the two private rooms since no one was in them. I picked a private room and settled in. I knew this was going to take at least two hours. I didn't know I would have to get up and pee so much, but I did. Thank goodness for the t.v in the room. It got mighty boring sitting in the chair hooked up to an i.v. It was a very comfy chair though, a tilt back one. And I was given warm blankets, snacks, and drinks. They really did try to make the experience as pleasant as possible.
Finally the chemo is done infusing and I am hooked up to the take-home pump in a fanny pack. I've never been a an of fanny packs, I think they look lame. A couple of anti-nausea prescriptions and some xanax are called in to the pharmacy for me so after I get gas in Ole' Bessie, my 1993 Ford Ranger (great truck, btw) I head to the pharmacy.
For some reason I am feeling weepy and it is hard not to cry as I pay for the drugs. I stop at the video store on my way home and pick up some comedies to watch for the next couple of days.
Around 5 am the next morning, Wednesday, I wake up and feel a migraine starting, and I can tell it is the real bad kind, so I go ahead and take an imitrex. Over the next couple of hours, it gets worse. The epicenter of it is located on my left shoulder in the trapezeus muscle. It feels like someone took a baseball bat and knocked me in the back of my head and my left eye feels like it is wanting to pop out. I take my anti-nausea meds and another imitrex, to no avail.
I start vomiting. I am in agony all day. I cannot keep anything down. The vomiting quickly turns into painful, gut wrenching dry heaves. The pain in my head was horrendous and made worse with the dry heaves. Once again, I feel like I just want to cease existing, anything to make the pain go away.
A neighbor friend comes over to offer some moral support. Late in the morning, in desperation, I call the nurse and explain what is happening. She said she will talk with the doctor, another oncologist as mine was off that day, and call me back. Early afternoon she calls me back asking how I was doing. I told her I was no better, and throwing up more frequently and the pain was worse. She said she will call in a prescription for some vicoden and tried to give me some encouraging words. My neighbor friend was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her, so my daughter Candace called one of her friends who was kind enough to drive over, pick her up and take her to the pharmacy for me. I'm wondering how the hell I can keep vicoden down when I can't even keep air down??
The rest of the day went by in a pain filled haze. I took another imitrex that night along with all the other medicines, but they keep coming back up. I call the clinic again and was told there was nothing more they could do for me. Thanks a fucking lot. I was still awake at 3 am, but eventually I did finally manage to doze off.
In the morning, Thursday, the headache was not nearly as bad, the nausea was not nearly as bad, but I'm still feeling quite like shit. Thankfully I'm not vomiting nearly as hard or as frequently as yesterday and the vicoden stays down long enough to do some good. I needed to find a ride to the doctor's office to get the needle removed from my port around 4 pm, when the chemo bag was finally empty. My next door neighbor, Connie, who was unfortunately laid off, was able to take me in. I was in no condition to drive.
I also saw the oncologist after the needle was removed. I wish I had seen him first before it was removed. He was 'not impressed' with how I was looking and wanted to admit me to the hospital. I argued briefly against that (of course) but not for long. I finally agreed. So Connie took me to the hospital instead of back home, where the port was accessed again and I stayed overnight while getting rehydrated with fluids and potassium; my blood chems were all out of whack from all the heaving.
Doc came in to see me Friday morning and said I could go home early afternoon and go see him Thursday of next week. This was my fifth hospital visit this year. I hope this is not how all the chemo treatments are going to affect me.
I hope.
So here I sit in the lab trying to draw on the remaining courage I have (which is damn little) and let the nurse stick yet another needle in me, this time in my port. Needle was a poor description for this thing. This thing was the size of a fucking nail. I was nervously looking around for the hammer.
With me is a nurse and another nice young lady, whose job title I didn't know, but was trying so hard to comfort me, and all I could do was sit there and try not to cry or pass out. Additional reinforcements were obviously needed so another nurse is called in. Finally I allow nurse #1 to stick me with the needle.
"SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!" I have gotten in the bad habit of hollering that lovely phrase whenever I am stuck with a needle. Bad habit I know. I manage to stay upright until I see a vial full of my blood. Then my head lolls back, my eyes roll up, my face goes white, and nurse #3 yells for a vial of smelling salts. All eyes are watering from the salts except for mine. I couldn't smell them. Must be my hay fever. I didn't feel congested but my sense of smell was obviously impaired.
Finally I am told to find a chair or I could pick one of the two private rooms since no one was in them. I picked a private room and settled in. I knew this was going to take at least two hours. I didn't know I would have to get up and pee so much, but I did. Thank goodness for the t.v in the room. It got mighty boring sitting in the chair hooked up to an i.v. It was a very comfy chair though, a tilt back one. And I was given warm blankets, snacks, and drinks. They really did try to make the experience as pleasant as possible.
Finally the chemo is done infusing and I am hooked up to the take-home pump in a fanny pack. I've never been a an of fanny packs, I think they look lame. A couple of anti-nausea prescriptions and some xanax are called in to the pharmacy for me so after I get gas in Ole' Bessie, my 1993 Ford Ranger (great truck, btw) I head to the pharmacy.
For some reason I am feeling weepy and it is hard not to cry as I pay for the drugs. I stop at the video store on my way home and pick up some comedies to watch for the next couple of days.
Around 5 am the next morning, Wednesday, I wake up and feel a migraine starting, and I can tell it is the real bad kind, so I go ahead and take an imitrex. Over the next couple of hours, it gets worse. The epicenter of it is located on my left shoulder in the trapezeus muscle. It feels like someone took a baseball bat and knocked me in the back of my head and my left eye feels like it is wanting to pop out. I take my anti-nausea meds and another imitrex, to no avail.
I start vomiting. I am in agony all day. I cannot keep anything down. The vomiting quickly turns into painful, gut wrenching dry heaves. The pain in my head was horrendous and made worse with the dry heaves. Once again, I feel like I just want to cease existing, anything to make the pain go away.
A neighbor friend comes over to offer some moral support. Late in the morning, in desperation, I call the nurse and explain what is happening. She said she will talk with the doctor, another oncologist as mine was off that day, and call me back. Early afternoon she calls me back asking how I was doing. I told her I was no better, and throwing up more frequently and the pain was worse. She said she will call in a prescription for some vicoden and tried to give me some encouraging words. My neighbor friend was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her, so my daughter Candace called one of her friends who was kind enough to drive over, pick her up and take her to the pharmacy for me. I'm wondering how the hell I can keep vicoden down when I can't even keep air down??
The rest of the day went by in a pain filled haze. I took another imitrex that night along with all the other medicines, but they keep coming back up. I call the clinic again and was told there was nothing more they could do for me. Thanks a fucking lot. I was still awake at 3 am, but eventually I did finally manage to doze off.
In the morning, Thursday, the headache was not nearly as bad, the nausea was not nearly as bad, but I'm still feeling quite like shit. Thankfully I'm not vomiting nearly as hard or as frequently as yesterday and the vicoden stays down long enough to do some good. I needed to find a ride to the doctor's office to get the needle removed from my port around 4 pm, when the chemo bag was finally empty. My next door neighbor, Connie, who was unfortunately laid off, was able to take me in. I was in no condition to drive.
I also saw the oncologist after the needle was removed. I wish I had seen him first before it was removed. He was 'not impressed' with how I was looking and wanted to admit me to the hospital. I argued briefly against that (of course) but not for long. I finally agreed. So Connie took me to the hospital instead of back home, where the port was accessed again and I stayed overnight while getting rehydrated with fluids and potassium; my blood chems were all out of whack from all the heaving.
Doc came in to see me Friday morning and said I could go home early afternoon and go see him Thursday of next week. This was my fifth hospital visit this year. I hope this is not how all the chemo treatments are going to affect me.
I hope.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoris...Getting A Port Installed
More surgery. Ugh. I needed to have a port put in so I can start chemo. My surgeon said he would put it on my right side instead of my left; my left has a tattoo of a unicorn. I also have a tattoo on my right thigh of a panther hanging on by his claws. I want to see if I can have it changed to a white tiger for reasons for another blog post.
At least this surgery wasn't so traumatic. On July 9th, my neighbor Connie gave my daughter and I a ride to the hospital. The nurse was able to get an i.v started this time, although I'm thinking I'll never get use to having needles stuck in me.
This time I walked to the o.r instead of being wheeled in on a hospital bed. I still felt very anxious but it was not the out-of-control terror of the last time. When the anaesthesia went in my vein, it burned but I went out quickly.
When I came to, a nice nurse ask me if I was in pain, and what kind of pain medicine I preferred. What a very nice nurse! I was thinking Christmas came early! So, with a straight face, I suggested dilaudin. Coming right up! About a half hour and three syringes of that tasty treat in my veins later, I'm pain free and was wheeled back to my room and my waiting daughter, Candace, who was concerned about how red my eyes were. Hey, it wasn't going to become a habit, I was in pain, so why not enjoy it while I can? I've been through a lot this year, and it was far from over!
Luckily I didn't have to spend much time in recovery. Candace got us a ride to the pharmacy and then home from a friend of hers. Actually it was a friend of her friend. I think she was a satanist; she had a tattoo on her wrist that looked like an inverted pentacle, but she was nice to give me a ride as a favor and she wasn't going to ask me for any money. I gave her some anyway because I appreciated the ride, regardless of her religion. As long as a person is a law abiding citizen, I don't give a rat's ass what religion they are.
So...got my tumor removed, got my port installed, now I get to start chemo. There's something about chemo that really unsettles me. I'm not sure what it is that unsettles me so. Of all the things I've been through this year, none of it compares to chemo. Chemo=bad illness= potential early death. When someone says chemo, everyone knows immediately what it's for. Cancer and all that comes with it. Side effects. Puking. Loosing your hair. Extreme fatigue. I get to look forward to six months of getting chemo every other week, plus two days with a fanny pack after each treatment. The chemo nurse told me I might not get that sick, that most people tolerate this regime quite well.
This particular regime is called modified folfox 6. The chemo drugs are oxaliplatin (which causes peripheral neurophathy and I have to be careful with anything cold), and 5-fu, plus leucovorin, which is a vitamin complex said to increase effectiveness of the chemo drugs.
I'll just have to wait and see. Maybe it won't be so bad.
At least this surgery wasn't so traumatic. On July 9th, my neighbor Connie gave my daughter and I a ride to the hospital. The nurse was able to get an i.v started this time, although I'm thinking I'll never get use to having needles stuck in me.
This time I walked to the o.r instead of being wheeled in on a hospital bed. I still felt very anxious but it was not the out-of-control terror of the last time. When the anaesthesia went in my vein, it burned but I went out quickly.
When I came to, a nice nurse ask me if I was in pain, and what kind of pain medicine I preferred. What a very nice nurse! I was thinking Christmas came early! So, with a straight face, I suggested dilaudin. Coming right up! About a half hour and three syringes of that tasty treat in my veins later, I'm pain free and was wheeled back to my room and my waiting daughter, Candace, who was concerned about how red my eyes were. Hey, it wasn't going to become a habit, I was in pain, so why not enjoy it while I can? I've been through a lot this year, and it was far from over!
Luckily I didn't have to spend much time in recovery. Candace got us a ride to the pharmacy and then home from a friend of hers. Actually it was a friend of her friend. I think she was a satanist; she had a tattoo on her wrist that looked like an inverted pentacle, but she was nice to give me a ride as a favor and she wasn't going to ask me for any money. I gave her some anyway because I appreciated the ride, regardless of her religion. As long as a person is a law abiding citizen, I don't give a rat's ass what religion they are.
So...got my tumor removed, got my port installed, now I get to start chemo. There's something about chemo that really unsettles me. I'm not sure what it is that unsettles me so. Of all the things I've been through this year, none of it compares to chemo. Chemo=bad illness= potential early death. When someone says chemo, everyone knows immediately what it's for. Cancer and all that comes with it. Side effects. Puking. Loosing your hair. Extreme fatigue. I get to look forward to six months of getting chemo every other week, plus two days with a fanny pack after each treatment. The chemo nurse told me I might not get that sick, that most people tolerate this regime quite well.
This particular regime is called modified folfox 6. The chemo drugs are oxaliplatin (which causes peripheral neurophathy and I have to be careful with anything cold), and 5-fu, plus leucovorin, which is a vitamin complex said to increase effectiveness of the chemo drugs.
I'll just have to wait and see. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...And The Beast Is Removed
Wednesday, June 4th 2008. D-day for me. I had already had a long 'talk' with my body, my bowels, and even the tumor itself, explaining why I had to do what I was getting ready to do. I said my good-byes to the half of my colon that had to be sacrificed so that I could live.
I realized then that the tumor really was not an evil thing; it was neither good nor bad. It just was. It was just doing what tumors do; growing and surviving, and spreading, as all living entities do. I don't think it wanted to kill me, but it couldn't help but do just that if left alone. I felt it's fear as I explained it had to come out because when I died, IT died, and I wasn't going to sacrifice my life and go down with it.
So I went to my date with the surgeon, anethesiologist, nurses, med students, and lots of sharp looking objects. I had to do another fun bowel prep the night before. My boss was kind enough to pick me up early to take me and my daughter to the hospital where my social worker friend met me. I got checked in and went to put on one of those sexy hospital gowns and get some more blood drawn. By then I've had quite a few transfusions and they kept taking it out again! Didn't they realize how expensive blood is??
This phlebotomist either had an ax to grind with someone and took it out on my poor vein, or she is just naturally mean; I know not which. I didn't like the way she shoved the needle in my arm, it was not the least bit gentle.
I was then wheeled to a waiting room where a nice nurse tried to start an iv. No luck. Another nurse tried. No luck. I'm so terrified the 'fight or flight' response was in high gear, rendering attempts to get an iv in my arm useless, and I'm threatening to go home. But the nurse went to talk to the surgeon and they said they would start an iv after they put me under like they do with children. Fine then.
Finally they wheeled me into surgery and my fear kicks up another notch which I didn't think was possible. No one looked at me and I start to cry a bit. For some reason I start to think of evil Hitler's evil Angel of Death and how utterly terrified his poor victims must have felt as they were wheeled into the operating table. As terrified as I was, their fear must have been a thousand times worse. At least I knew that everyone in that room was dedicated to saving my life. I don't know why I thought of that.
I get myself on the chopping table and then really start to cry. Everyone is trying to reassure me but I've totally lost it. The anethesiologist trys to put the mask on my face but I wouldn't let him; I tried to grab it out of his hands saying 'just give me a minute!' Finally the nurses hold my hands (to gently restrain me, I'm sure) and guy with the masks says 'just three deep breaths, that's all, you're going to be alright' over and over, but it took about six or seven breaths before I finally went under.
The pain was horrible when I finally woke up. I swear the morphine pump they put me on was broken. Just dropping paper on me caused me to holler. I'm taken into my room and I'm in a haze of pain. The rest of that day and the next were hell, I'm in sooo much pain I just want to disappear. I'm told the surgeon found a node on my liver which he sent out for biopsy, fearing the cancer had managed to spread to my liver, which would be very, very bad. He also took out 33 of my lymph nodes.
Luckily the spot on my liver was not cancer and only five of my lymph nodes had cancer out of the 33, so it could have been much worse.
But it was bad enough. That put me at Stage III-C. The next stage is stage IV, or end stage, which is when the cancer metastisizes to other organs, usually the liver or lungs. No doubt I had micro-tumors floating around in me since the cancer managed to invade five of my lymph nodes.
Friday was much better and I'm able to go for a walk in the halls with a cute cna guy. Saturday my surgeon let me go home. I was in the hospital for only three days, which surprised a lot of people considering the kind of surgery I had; I was told I'd be in there at least five days. People underestimate me a lot.
A week later on Wednesday, the incision got infected. My temperature was over 101 at times. Saturday an area burst and starts draining a lot, so I finally call the on-call doctor who calls in an antibiotic for me. I noticed the infection took hold on the place where I had my navel pierced many years ago.
About a week after that, I'm sitting on my couch and I notice something poking up under my skin on my incision. I touch it and it pops through my skin. It's white and looks like a worm! I FREAK! I'm thinking I got worms coming out of my belly!
Thankfully it wasn't a worm, but a plastic staple. Whew! But then I freak out AGAIN because I'm thinking I'm coming apart where my guts were joined back together! Thankfully that wasn't the case either.
When I went to see the surgeon for the follow up visit, the wound is still draining; the hole goes down at least an inch. I'm told it needs to be packed so it will heal properly, so they give me the supplies and show me how so I can do it myself. The wound is quite deep and goes straight down. I hated pulling the guaze out of the wound because it looks like a tape worm and it made a squishy noise. Ugh!
Now I just need to get a port put in so I can start chemo that everyone is insisting I get. I'm not too sure about that but I was in no shape to argue.
I would later regret not following my instincts about getting chemo.
I realized then that the tumor really was not an evil thing; it was neither good nor bad. It just was. It was just doing what tumors do; growing and surviving, and spreading, as all living entities do. I don't think it wanted to kill me, but it couldn't help but do just that if left alone. I felt it's fear as I explained it had to come out because when I died, IT died, and I wasn't going to sacrifice my life and go down with it.
So I went to my date with the surgeon, anethesiologist, nurses, med students, and lots of sharp looking objects. I had to do another fun bowel prep the night before. My boss was kind enough to pick me up early to take me and my daughter to the hospital where my social worker friend met me. I got checked in and went to put on one of those sexy hospital gowns and get some more blood drawn. By then I've had quite a few transfusions and they kept taking it out again! Didn't they realize how expensive blood is??
This phlebotomist either had an ax to grind with someone and took it out on my poor vein, or she is just naturally mean; I know not which. I didn't like the way she shoved the needle in my arm, it was not the least bit gentle.
I was then wheeled to a waiting room where a nice nurse tried to start an iv. No luck. Another nurse tried. No luck. I'm so terrified the 'fight or flight' response was in high gear, rendering attempts to get an iv in my arm useless, and I'm threatening to go home. But the nurse went to talk to the surgeon and they said they would start an iv after they put me under like they do with children. Fine then.
Finally they wheeled me into surgery and my fear kicks up another notch which I didn't think was possible. No one looked at me and I start to cry a bit. For some reason I start to think of evil Hitler's evil Angel of Death and how utterly terrified his poor victims must have felt as they were wheeled into the operating table. As terrified as I was, their fear must have been a thousand times worse. At least I knew that everyone in that room was dedicated to saving my life. I don't know why I thought of that.
I get myself on the chopping table and then really start to cry. Everyone is trying to reassure me but I've totally lost it. The anethesiologist trys to put the mask on my face but I wouldn't let him; I tried to grab it out of his hands saying 'just give me a minute!' Finally the nurses hold my hands (to gently restrain me, I'm sure) and guy with the masks says 'just three deep breaths, that's all, you're going to be alright' over and over, but it took about six or seven breaths before I finally went under.
The pain was horrible when I finally woke up. I swear the morphine pump they put me on was broken. Just dropping paper on me caused me to holler. I'm taken into my room and I'm in a haze of pain. The rest of that day and the next were hell, I'm in sooo much pain I just want to disappear. I'm told the surgeon found a node on my liver which he sent out for biopsy, fearing the cancer had managed to spread to my liver, which would be very, very bad. He also took out 33 of my lymph nodes.
Luckily the spot on my liver was not cancer and only five of my lymph nodes had cancer out of the 33, so it could have been much worse.
But it was bad enough. That put me at Stage III-C. The next stage is stage IV, or end stage, which is when the cancer metastisizes to other organs, usually the liver or lungs. No doubt I had micro-tumors floating around in me since the cancer managed to invade five of my lymph nodes.
Friday was much better and I'm able to go for a walk in the halls with a cute cna guy. Saturday my surgeon let me go home. I was in the hospital for only three days, which surprised a lot of people considering the kind of surgery I had; I was told I'd be in there at least five days. People underestimate me a lot.
A week later on Wednesday, the incision got infected. My temperature was over 101 at times. Saturday an area burst and starts draining a lot, so I finally call the on-call doctor who calls in an antibiotic for me. I noticed the infection took hold on the place where I had my navel pierced many years ago.
About a week after that, I'm sitting on my couch and I notice something poking up under my skin on my incision. I touch it and it pops through my skin. It's white and looks like a worm! I FREAK! I'm thinking I got worms coming out of my belly!
Thankfully it wasn't a worm, but a plastic staple. Whew! But then I freak out AGAIN because I'm thinking I'm coming apart where my guts were joined back together! Thankfully that wasn't the case either.
When I went to see the surgeon for the follow up visit, the wound is still draining; the hole goes down at least an inch. I'm told it needs to be packed so it will heal properly, so they give me the supplies and show me how so I can do it myself. The wound is quite deep and goes straight down. I hated pulling the guaze out of the wound because it looks like a tape worm and it made a squishy noise. Ugh!
Now I just need to get a port put in so I can start chemo that everyone is insisting I get. I'm not too sure about that but I was in no shape to argue.
I would later regret not following my instincts about getting chemo.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...My Universal Smack Down
I had the upper endoscopy on May 16th and it came back all clear. So on May 19th I go in to see my hematologist. We talk a bit then he has me lie on the examination table and starts to probe around my abdomen.
This has become routine for us: I go see him, he asks me if cancer runs in my immediate family, I tell him no, he goes 'hmmm...' I can see he's getting more and more suspicious each time I see him. I, however, am not. Then he always had me lie on the exam table and poke around my belly and always felt nothing suspicious.
Until May 19th, 2008.
That's when he felt IT. On my right side. A mass. A big one. And my whole world crashed around me.
We look at each other, eyes wide, and we both know what it was. Cancer. Colon cancer to be exact, only the second deadliest cancer in the United States. And it was in MY body.
He tells me I MUST get a colonoscopy ASAP and if it is a tumor (and we both knew it was) I would have to have surgery; it must come OUT. I finally quit arguing.
He had his nurse call my gastroenterologist's office to get me in ASAP. I get scheduled for May 21st. On the 20th my hematologist, now my oncologist, ordered me to go to the hospital for another blood transfusion, which I did. I'm done arguing. I also had to do a bowel prep that night also, which was no picnic let me tell you. I'll spare the gory details.
All that time, it was the tumor that was bleeding; it almost killed me before it reached end stage.
My friend and hospice nurse Linda, who took me in for the upper, also took me in for the lower. I was a bit nervous because the doctor really didn't give me enough medicine for the upper and I was climbing the walls after wards and practically ran out of the clinic; I felt a little too much the hose coming out of my throat. This time he used enough to knock out two full grown men and it worked nicely.
In the recovery room the doctor came in and said he was surprised to see me sitting up considering the amount of medicine he gave me. I asked if he found anything.
He said yes.
I asked him if it was cancer.
He said yes.
He showed me the pictures and it was a big one. I saw my friend Linda on her cell, talking to April, our clinical director and boss, with a look of total shock and fear in her eyes. He had me go next for a CT scan. So we went to get that done and then I took my friend out to breakfast. All that prepping and testing made me hungry.
I did not feel freaked out or scared at that point. I figured I'd power through this cancer stuff like I powered through everything in my life. If anyone could kick cancer's ass, it was me.
On the 22nd, gastro-doc called me and asked me if I remembered talking to him (he didn't think I would) and I said yes. He got the biopsy and CT results back and they showed the cancer had spread into local tissue and some lymph nodes.
Stage 3. Advanced. Aggressive. Deadly.
Wow, this is starting to sound serious! He recommended to have surgery ASAP and referred me to a surgeon, who turned out to be a great one, thank goodness.
Now I just had to tell my daughter. I dreaded this. She lost her father not even a year ago (July 3rd, 2007) and now her mom has a life-threatening disease. It was not a good moment. That was a hard moment. In my brilliance, I took her out to eat, figuring she would better hold herself together in public. Very bad decision. Immediate tears and sobs. I struggled not to join her.
I had an appointment to see the surgeon on May 27th. A social worker friend from work called me and told me she would take me to the appointment and also to surgery. I really like the surgeon when I met him and she did too. Surgery was scheduled for June 4th. It would have been sooner but I would have missed my daughter graduating from high school. No way was I missing that, deadly disease or no deadly disease! I would not allow cancer to take that moment away from me.
I went in for pre-surgery blood work on May 30th and was given the low down on what to expect, and I wasn't looking forward to any of it.
Things were moving really fast now.
This has become routine for us: I go see him, he asks me if cancer runs in my immediate family, I tell him no, he goes 'hmmm...' I can see he's getting more and more suspicious each time I see him. I, however, am not. Then he always had me lie on the exam table and poke around my belly and always felt nothing suspicious.
Until May 19th, 2008.
That's when he felt IT. On my right side. A mass. A big one. And my whole world crashed around me.
We look at each other, eyes wide, and we both know what it was. Cancer. Colon cancer to be exact, only the second deadliest cancer in the United States. And it was in MY body.
He tells me I MUST get a colonoscopy ASAP and if it is a tumor (and we both knew it was) I would have to have surgery; it must come OUT. I finally quit arguing.
He had his nurse call my gastroenterologist's office to get me in ASAP. I get scheduled for May 21st. On the 20th my hematologist, now my oncologist, ordered me to go to the hospital for another blood transfusion, which I did. I'm done arguing. I also had to do a bowel prep that night also, which was no picnic let me tell you. I'll spare the gory details.
All that time, it was the tumor that was bleeding; it almost killed me before it reached end stage.
My friend and hospice nurse Linda, who took me in for the upper, also took me in for the lower. I was a bit nervous because the doctor really didn't give me enough medicine for the upper and I was climbing the walls after wards and practically ran out of the clinic; I felt a little too much the hose coming out of my throat. This time he used enough to knock out two full grown men and it worked nicely.
In the recovery room the doctor came in and said he was surprised to see me sitting up considering the amount of medicine he gave me. I asked if he found anything.
He said yes.
I asked him if it was cancer.
He said yes.
He showed me the pictures and it was a big one. I saw my friend Linda on her cell, talking to April, our clinical director and boss, with a look of total shock and fear in her eyes. He had me go next for a CT scan. So we went to get that done and then I took my friend out to breakfast. All that prepping and testing made me hungry.
I did not feel freaked out or scared at that point. I figured I'd power through this cancer stuff like I powered through everything in my life. If anyone could kick cancer's ass, it was me.
On the 22nd, gastro-doc called me and asked me if I remembered talking to him (he didn't think I would) and I said yes. He got the biopsy and CT results back and they showed the cancer had spread into local tissue and some lymph nodes.
Stage 3. Advanced. Aggressive. Deadly.
Wow, this is starting to sound serious! He recommended to have surgery ASAP and referred me to a surgeon, who turned out to be a great one, thank goodness.
Now I just had to tell my daughter. I dreaded this. She lost her father not even a year ago (July 3rd, 2007) and now her mom has a life-threatening disease. It was not a good moment. That was a hard moment. In my brilliance, I took her out to eat, figuring she would better hold herself together in public. Very bad decision. Immediate tears and sobs. I struggled not to join her.
I had an appointment to see the surgeon on May 27th. A social worker friend from work called me and told me she would take me to the appointment and also to surgery. I really like the surgeon when I met him and she did too. Surgery was scheduled for June 4th. It would have been sooner but I would have missed my daughter graduating from high school. No way was I missing that, deadly disease or no deadly disease! I would not allow cancer to take that moment away from me.
I went in for pre-surgery blood work on May 30th and was given the low down on what to expect, and I wasn't looking forward to any of it.
Things were moving really fast now.
Dancing With Cancer Memoirs...Crazy Alligator Dreams
Funny, a couple weeks before I found out about I had cancer, I had two dreams that definitely were trying to warn me of something big.
The first dream was of a huge, monstrous live alligator on display at some sort of amusement park. I was trying to hurrying up a long flight of stairs and this beast was lumbering up after me, trying to get me. I made it up the stairs and onto a huge holding tank filled with water for this animal, like what is at Sea World, only no fence between the people and the animal. People kept jumping in and I was screaming warnings but they thought they would be able to get away from this alligator. Most did.
Then one lady jumped in and I was screaming over and over that she wasn't going to make it, she was going to get eaten, but no one paid any attention to me. Suddenly the water started violently churning and quickly turned red and I knew she got eaten. Then I woke up.
The very next night after Giant Croc dream, I had another dream. I was underwater in a large swamp and there were many alligators (probably four feet long, not huge) just...lurking, not moving, like they were waiting for something, just scattered about, close together, but facing me, and I felt a strong sense of foreboding in my dream and this feeling continued after I woke up.
One night about a week or so later, I was idly researching a prehistoric supercroc called Sarcosuchus imperator. There was a fantastic documentary done a few years ago on this animal that lived during the Cretaceous period. Close, but didn't quite look like the one in my dream; dream beast's snout was wider. Then I found the animal that was in my dream: Deinosuchus hatcheri. Here's a link; looks exactly like the one in my first dream: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Deinosuchus_hatcheri.JPG
Here's a link that tells about this creature, and also a link to Sarcosuchus (I love paleobiology).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deinosuchushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcosuchus
Something was definitely wrong, and it was getting harder for me to deny it.
The first dream was of a huge, monstrous live alligator on display at some sort of amusement park. I was trying to hurrying up a long flight of stairs and this beast was lumbering up after me, trying to get me. I made it up the stairs and onto a huge holding tank filled with water for this animal, like what is at Sea World, only no fence between the people and the animal. People kept jumping in and I was screaming warnings but they thought they would be able to get away from this alligator. Most did.
Then one lady jumped in and I was screaming over and over that she wasn't going to make it, she was going to get eaten, but no one paid any attention to me. Suddenly the water started violently churning and quickly turned red and I knew she got eaten. Then I woke up.
The very next night after Giant Croc dream, I had another dream. I was underwater in a large swamp and there were many alligators (probably four feet long, not huge) just...lurking, not moving, like they were waiting for something, just scattered about, close together, but facing me, and I felt a strong sense of foreboding in my dream and this feeling continued after I woke up.
One night about a week or so later, I was idly researching a prehistoric supercroc called Sarcosuchus imperator. There was a fantastic documentary done a few years ago on this animal that lived during the Cretaceous period. Close, but didn't quite look like the one in my dream; dream beast's snout was wider. Then I found the animal that was in my dream: Deinosuchus hatcheri. Here's a link; looks exactly like the one in my first dream: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Deinosuchus_hatcheri.JPG
Here's a link that tells about this creature, and also a link to Sarcosuchus (I love paleobiology).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deinosuchushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcosuchus
Something was definitely wrong, and it was getting harder for me to deny it.
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